The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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