I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
