The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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