It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
