so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
