If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
