I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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