If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
