I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
