You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize