he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
