The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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