Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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