your room smells of hookers.
And success
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
