He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
