On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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