I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
