Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
