Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
