I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need to calm my uterus...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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