this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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