Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
