Banned from zoo.
Again?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
