it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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