it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
