Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
