it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
