Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize