apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
