Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
