last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
