got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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