Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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