and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
