she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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