Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
