friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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