you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
