i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
