We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
