i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
