I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
