I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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