if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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