he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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