I can tuck mytits in my pants
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
