Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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