that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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