Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
