I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
