Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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