I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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