I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
