I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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