After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
