Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
