If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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