i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
