im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
