so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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