I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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