I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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