Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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