I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Do you have feelings for this penis?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
